Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Famous Lies told to Runners (at a race)

Over the years I've heard some whoppers from aid station crews, course officials, race directors, and people on the sidelines of a race. Disclaimer: I love race directors and volunteers; (I've been both), so don't flame me for this post! These are just observations of mine, from the point of view of a race participant.

Here are Some Famous Lies told to Runners:

"The finish line is just ahead." - (No way...don't be duped, Gomer).

"The aid station is just ahead." - (the aid station crew hasn't even set up yet, or it's over 5 miles away).

"Trust me ... this is the last hill." - Translation: 4 more hills.

"It's all downhill from here." "You're almost there." - Translation: 5 more hills.

"Another 100 yards, around the corner, and you are finished...you can turn on the speed, now." - (There's always 1/2 mile to go when they say this).

"You're looking really strong." - (You look like a stumbling, self-flagellating drunk).

"You're looking good, keep it up." - (You look like total dog shit and not even your own spouse would be able to recognize you, at this point.)

"You are breathing great...you're in a groove." - (You're practically asthmatic, you're caked with dried salt, your face is an almost purple-red, you are slobbering, and you're bleeding from 6 spots on your body when they say this).

"That guy is in your age group! Go get 'em." - (He's actually 10 years younger/older than you, so don't worry your tiny, mileage-addled brain).

Heard from the finish line of a 10K: "if you can hear my voice, you can still break 40 minutes." - (No frigging way, with just 10 seconds left...don't be a fool, yet again).

"Just an easy 5K to go!" - (usually said by some numb-nuts-non-runner with a bull horn at about Mile 21 of a marathon).

Heard before trail ultra-distance races (many, many times): "The course is well marked..you can't get lost." - (This is always a total fabrication; you'll be lost for at least an hour).

Said (incorrectly) at the mile 53 aid station in my last 100-mile trail run: "This container has water, that one has Heed in it...let me fill your water bottle for you." - I almost threw up when I drank it, because Heed was now mixed with my sports drink.

...And the biggest whopper that I've ever heard: "Just 1.5 more miles and one major hill to go." - Said at the last aid station at the Superior Trail 50 in 2004...there were actually 3 major hills and 7 miles left to go in a 50-mile race that turned out to be 57 miles long! (We were warned at the start of the race that the new, 2004 course might be slightly long-ish). I still had fun, though, (even though the finish line was not marked and I was lost for 30 minutes trying to find the damn thing).

Please share other race lies that you've heard!

5 comments:

olga said...

This is bringing the tears of joy to my eyes!!! Aww, thank you, Ben! Now I want to go and hear it myself:) My pacer, who is local to SF, told me at Miwok - this is last hill, only 5 min - when I had another hour and half to go! Luckily, he stayed behind, and I was too tired to kill him.
How about - it's all downhill at WS100 after Foresthill - sheesh, do they know the difference between down and up? Or at Wasatch some hiker told me and my friend (running together) that we had a mile left - and it lasted the whole 4! I love those stories, mine or anybody's:)

Tammy said...

Heard from spectator at mile 80 of my first century bike ride (actual ride distance 108 miles), "You're almost there!!!"

Response (under my breath of course): screw. you.

Rae said...

That is so funny!! And so incredibly true. The one I get most often (besides the ones you mentioned) is: "Oh, we're all out of Small shirts. But this XL will shrink."

Uh, yeah.

angie's pink fuzzy said...

I love it!!!

I don't have any race lies, but I do have "Johnny Mileage" - he runs so much faster than me, he's often wrong on the distance/hills of a given route. He'll tell me it's flat and short, when it's steep and long. Okay, moderate and moderate, but still.

Susan said...

I hate the "This is the last hill" line!!! Because I always believe it!