Thursday, October 04, 2007

Advice From An Ultra-Codger

A fellow trail runner and blogger, (Scott) from Washington State, just turned thirty years old.

He is "hoping to get advice from other old people out there about how to deal with life as it is now in a state of uncontrollable decline."
I have some advice for him.

Advice from a "Codger" who is older than you:

The # 1 Rule - Act the age you feel, but don't necessarily look the age you feel.

1) If you have hair loss, wear the "comb-over of the new Millenium," a baseball cap.

2) Never wear your baseball cap backward.

3) Buy another pair of cargo shorts and get used to them.

4) Oh yeah, get used to Polo shirts, too.

5) Never let-on that you like MF Doom, DJ Spooky, or any underground Hip Hop at all...if you get caught listening to it, claim it's your kid's music, and it somehow was put onto your Ipod by mistake.

6) Stay up late, and wake up'll need less sleep now that you are "more mature." With all of this added time, you can spend more time "reading" on the toilet; which you'll coincidentally spend more time on.

7) Now that you're thirty, it's okay to cut in front of teenagers in line at the local Safeway. (At least if you think you can beat them up). And never look a teenager in the eye again...they can sense fear in old farts like you.

8) Speaking of grocery stores, make sure that your key ring has umpteen-bazillion discount cards on it, for every store that issues one.

9) Don't stare at pretty young'll be labelled a lecherous old fool. Save that for big races like Bloomsday, Chicago, or New York...find a gal with great legs and "whatever," and "pace her" from behind. That's the only lecherous joy you can get away with, now that you're officially a geezer.

10) Be in denial about being an old fogy. Start planning and training for two or three 100-mile trail runs or Ironman triathlons per year; even if it kills you. Besides, you'll need something to replace sex as a means for a physical outlet.

11) Learn to enjoy oatmeal, and check to see which "statin" drug your insurance covers without a substantial co-pay.

12) Quit playing online video games. In fact, you should quit video games altogether, because now that you're 30, you suck at them, brother.

13) Drive slower and never use the passing lane, except to passive-aggressively piss-off the drivers behind you. Everybody else is a "speeding maniac," and you are the only safe and sane driver out there, because of your experience and maturity.

And the most important rule:
Never take advice or follow any rules from a stranger!

Happy 30th Birthday, and Happy trails,

Bad Ben


kelly said...

OMG!! This is great. I enjoy your blog. You are quite funny!

E-Speed said...

nice! I'd have to say though I'm am not going to admit decline until I am well into my 70s!

"Sherpa" John Lacroix said...

Lol.. silly Ben. I'm getting closer to 30 myself.

shliknik said...

I turned 30 earlier this year and have been injured since (ankle, toe, etc).

It's like my 30-year warranty on my 'parts' just expired and now they're breaking.


olga said...

Any advice for 38? Oh, and the ones you describe won't work - myhair is fine, I can beat any teenager, I love shorts (running, though), listen to Eminem, sleep 5 hrs a night, don't play video games at all, drive too fast (esp. for OR - I am a New Yorker!) and oh, yeah, don't stare at women's rear, but enjoy kicking ass of the guys!

Ben, aka BadBen said...

Keep on doing what you're doing, Olga, especially the "kicking butts" part. You look good for 38!

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