So...
1) If you have hair loss, wear the "comb-over of the new Millenium," a baseball cap.
2) Never wear your baseball cap backward.
3) Buy another pair of cargo shorts and get used to them.
4) Oh yeah, get used to Polo shirts, too.
5) Never let-on that you like MF Doom, DJ Spooky, or any underground Hip Hop at all...if you get caught listening to it, claim it's your kid's music, and it somehow was put onto your Ipod by mistake.
6) Stay up late, and wake up earlier...you'll need less sleep now that you are "more mature." With all of this added time, you can spend more time "reading" on the toilet; which you'll coincidentally spend more time on.
7) Now that you're thirty, it's okay to cut in front of teenagers in line at the local Safeway. (At least if you think you can beat them up). And never look a teenager in the eye again...they can sense fear in old farts like you.
8) Speaking of grocery stores, make sure that your key ring has umpteen-bazillion discount cards on it, for every store that issues one.
9) Don't stare at pretty young women...you'll be labelled a lecherous old fool. Save that for big races like Bloomsday, Chicago, or New York...find a gal with great legs and "whatever," and "pace her" from behind. That's the only lecherous joy you can get away with, now that you're officially a geezer.
10) Be in denial about being an old fogy. Start planning and training for two or three 100-mile trail runs or Ironman triathlons per year; even if it kills you. Besides, you'll need something to replace sex as a means for a physical outlet.
11) Learn to enjoy oatmeal, and check to see which "statin" drug your insurance covers without a substantial co-pay.
12) Quit playing online video games. In fact, you should quit video games altogether, because now that you're 30, you suck at them, brother.
13) Drive slower and never use the passing lane, except to passive-aggressively piss-off the drivers behind you. Everybody else is a "speeding maniac," and you are the only safe and sane driver out there, because of your experience and maturity.
And the most important rule:
Never take advice or follow any rules from a stranger!
Happy 30th Birthday, and Happy trails,
Bad Ben
9 comments:
OMG!! This is great. I enjoy your blog. You are quite funny!
nice! I'd have to say though I'm am not going to admit decline until I am well into my 70s!
Lol.. silly Ben. I'm getting closer to 30 myself.
I turned 30 earlier this year and have been injured since (ankle, toe, etc).
It's like my 30-year warranty on my 'parts' just expired and now they're breaking.
Fart.
Any advice for 38? Oh, and the ones you describe won't work - myhair is fine, I can beat any teenager, I love shorts (running, though), listen to Eminem, sleep 5 hrs a night, don't play video games at all, drive too fast (esp. for OR - I am a New Yorker!) and oh, yeah, don't stare at women's rear, but enjoy kicking ass of the guys!
Keep on doing what you're doing, Olga, especially the "kicking butts" part. You look good for 38!
Thanks for the information. I’m really glad that you share your ideas about this. I must relay these ideas to my friends.
Thanks for your article,like your blog very much,well done.
There are some very great sources here and thank you for being so kind to post them here.
Post a Comment