1) If you have hair loss, wear the "comb-over of the new Millenium," a baseball cap.
2) Never wear your baseball cap backward.
3) Buy another pair of cargo shorts and get used to them.
4) Oh yeah, get used to Polo shirts, too.
5) Never let-on that you like MF Doom, DJ Spooky, or any underground Hip Hop at all...if you get caught listening to it, claim it's your kid's music, and it somehow was put onto your Ipod by mistake.
6) Stay up late, and wake up earlier...you'll need less sleep now that you are "more mature." With all of this added time, you can spend more time "reading" on the toilet; which you'll coincidentally spend more time on.
7) Now that you're thirty, it's okay to cut in front of teenagers in line at the local Safeway. (At least if you think you can beat them up). And never look a teenager in the eye again...they can sense fear in old farts like you.
8) Speaking of grocery stores, make sure that your key ring has umpteen-bazillion discount cards on it, for every store that issues one.
9) Don't stare at pretty young women...you'll be labelled a lecherous old fool. Save that for big races like Bloomsday, Chicago, or New York...find a gal with great legs and "whatever," and "pace her" from behind. That's the only lecherous joy you can get away with, now that you're officially a geezer.
10) Be in denial about being an old fogy. Start planning and training for two or three 100-mile trail runs or Ironman triathlons per year; even if it kills you. Besides, you'll need something to replace sex as a means for a physical outlet.
11) Learn to enjoy oatmeal, and check to see which "statin" drug your insurance covers without a substantial co-pay.
12) Quit playing online video games. In fact, you should quit video games altogether, because now that you're 30, you suck at them, brother.
13) Drive slower and never use the passing lane, except to passive-aggressively piss-off the drivers behind you. Everybody else is a "speeding maniac," and you are the only safe and sane driver out there, because of your experience and maturity.
And the most important rule:
Never take advice or follow any rules from a stranger!
Happy 30th Birthday, and Happy trails,